In today’s article I am going to talk about one important thing in sport performance, which is the implication of parents in the athletic life. Of course, I should mention that the role of parents is highly important and influential in the life of a young adolescent, in both perspectives, the athletic and daily life. Starting from the premise that parents have a central role in ‘the athletic triangle’ along with the athlete and the coach, we can find mainly two types of parental involvement: (1) the over-involved parent and (2) the absent parent. Both types can either benefit or damage the athlete’s well-being and performances, which can evenly lead to psychological or physical violence.
Diana Baumrind’s theory is one of the most cited work regarding parenting styles and involvement, suggesting that two main aspects have a critical significance: (1) Parental supportiveness – meaning that parents intentionally foster individuality and self-regulation by being supportive to children’s special needs and demands and (2) parental demandingness – referring to the rules indicated by the parent, the expectations of complying with these rules, and the level of repercussions that follow if those rules are broken.
I will shortly describe the four types of parenting style proposed by Baumrind:
1) The Authoritarian Style
Authoritarian parents tend to keep their children in a short leash and enforce many rules that are to be obeyed without question; for them misbehavior is not tolerated and they typically resort to punishment as a way to control their kids' behavior. They also have very high expectations of their kids, asking them to live up to high standards of ‘mature’ behavior. This style is not about meeting children's emotional needs, rather than empowering the parent. It is also too strict as it has high demandingness, but low supportiveness.
2) The Permissive Style
At the other pole, permissive parents strongly believe in the autonomy of the kids and that they should be treated as equals. Parents will impose very few rules, with the kids being implicated in the process of taking decisions.The goal of these parents is to fulfill as many of the child's needs and desires as possible. They encourages self-regulation as beliving in the idea that a child should learn through experience rather than through rules. This style tends to be too soft because it has low demandingness, but high supportiveness.
3) The Authoritative Style
The third style brings a balance between the above two. Parents are assertive and have clear standards of behavior for their children, trying in the same time to be supportive and understanding to their children's point of view. The balance is between the children's need for autonomy with their own need for control. The child may be 'mildly' punished either physically or by temporarily taking away privileges, BUT after that the parent will explain why the punishment happened. According to the theory, this is the perfect style because of the high demandingness and supportiveness.
4)The Absent/Neglectful Style
Added later by other researchers, Maccoby and Martin, the uninvolved parents will fulfil their children's physical needs, BUT tend to be distant and disengaged and they will not participate emotionally in their children's lives. This it thought to be the worst style due to the low demandingness and supportiveness.
Going back to athletes, most of them want to feel supported – but not pushed, pressured or coached from the sidelines by their parents. One research demostrated that over-involved parents can cause long lasting problems, by expressing four types of behaviours, such as pushing athletes to practice, coaching them, becoming too emotionally involved during competition or seeing the experience as their own. Another problem that seems to come up in a lot of cases is the engagement in meaningful discussions about intentions and goals throughout the youth experience.
How to recognize when you are becoming an over-involved parent:
Red Flag no. 1: Merging with Your Child
In the strong desire to see their children successful parents tend to become too involved in the children's efforts and most of them are caught up between their own needs and those of the children. In this so called "reverse dependency trap" parents overidentify with their child's experience and define their own self-worth based on the success of their children. Sports may become more important to the parent than to their children. In consequence, the children may develop the perception that the sport is no longer theirs because the parent seems to be doing more than they are.
An early sign is that parents tend to take responsibility away from their kids; for example, constantly asking them how they are preparing for an upcoming competition. Moreover, these parents will talk too much about the sport, will attend all practices and competitions, and will coach their children (even if they do not really know much about the sport). The clearest and scariest sign is when the parents enter the "we" zone, meaning that they begin talking about the children's sports participation in terms of how "we" did: "We had a great game today".
Red Flag no. 2: Living Vicariously Through Your Children
One of the great joys of being a parent is sharing the success of your children. Of course, it is normal to be upset or happy for your child performance, but this should not create an iceberg of emotions, especially when at the surface of it there is the relationship with your child.
Moreover, sharing your children's sports participation does not mean living through them.
When you (as a parent) are living vicariously through your children, the focus is on you: your emotions, your experience and what you gain from it. However, the emphasis should be on what the experience means to the children, the emotions they are feeling, the lessons they learn, and the benefits they gain from their sport. Winning and losing should not affect the parents in any emotional matter.
Red Flag no. 3: Placing Your Happiness on Your Children's Shoulders
From my own experience, both as an athlete and swimming instructor, I know how hard it is to be a kid during these days. Having all these responsibilities such as school, family, social life, extracurriculars and sport life, can burden any child. Yet when parents become overly involved in the child's sport, they will also add an extra responsibility – ‘making my parents happy’. This will quickly become a priority in the child’s ‘to do list’; thus, replacing other important aspects from their experience and putting extra pressure just before the moment the child will walk onto the field, pool or court.
As a parent you should ask yourself some questions like: Are you more nervous before competitions than your children are, more excited when they succeed, and more disappointed when they do not perform up to expectations?
Also, another alarming sign represents a parent that is more concerned with results, points, and rankings than the developmental benefits of their children's sports participation. Again, take a moment and think what is the first thing that you ask your children after a competition -"How did you do?". If the results of your children's competitions are more important than the fun and life lessons learned, it is a clear sign that you may be placing your happiness on your child's shoulders.
Red Flag no. 4: Losing Perspective
Sports are seductive. Fame and fortune resulting from athletic success appear to be waiting for your children if only they have the talent and determination to reach that level. You never know when they can become the next Olympic champion. However, this dream can cause them to lose perspective on sports' intrinsic value of having fun or learning life lessons and maintain a good health.
Parents need to stay realistic and understand that the odds of their children in becoming great athletes are also infinitesimally small. How many Nadals, Phelps, Messi or Comăneci emerge in any generation? I am not saying that the children should not dream big (if they don't aim for the sky, they won't even get to the top of the mountain), but that shouldn't be the focus of a sports parent or a young athlete.
Red Flag no. 5: Overmatching Your Child
In the strong desire to support their children's athletic development, parents are in danger of pushing them harder and harder, even when they may not be prepared for the increased demands. For example, an over-involved parent might pay and invest in the child to train in the best conditions and with the best coaches/ teams all summer, when in fact all they really need are a few weeks away from the sport. Unfortunately, these parents do not realize that development cannot be rushed and that the necessary time and effort must be put in, with children developing at their own pace. At the end of the day, parents need to understand that no matter how much money they pay or how much time they invest in the child’s athletic life, it is the child that need to be motivated.
The absent parent
When it comes to the absent parent there is not so much to say about it. In their eyes sport is a completely waste of time and an excuse for the child to avoid school responsibilities. The absent parent will constantly sabotage the sport by making bad affirmations about it, trying to lead the child in the direction of school and to abandon their sport. Because these parents are completely missing from the child's sporting life, they will never see it as a good activity for their children or how beneficial it can be for them; plus, ignorant parents will never appreciate the time or effort that their children are putting into the sport.
Another sign in recognizing such parents is when they put conditions to their children “You either win the next competition or you stop playing this sport”. The absent, ignorant parent will project his/her own frustrations on the children, who will fail to do what they want in life and will chose instead the path suggested by the parents.
RECOMMENDATIONS
Now I will share some Dos I have seen and realised throughout the years. I think it IS possible to be a great sports parent with a few simple tips:
1. Support the WHOLE Team & learn the names of your child’s colleagus or team players and encourage them all.
2. Praise & tell your child after the game that you enjoyed watching him/her play and that you are proud of how much effort he/she put into the game.
3. Stay positive & be enthusiastic about the competitions.
4. Have your kid’s back & defend your child if you feel that the coach is not fair or is not giving equal, right opportunities for your child.
5. Be social & get to know other parents so that the team parents can support the team as a group.
6. Develop in your child a lifelong commitment to an active lifestyle.
7. Encourage your child to play because he/she enjoys it, not because of your interests or other possible benefits - As I pointed out in my last article intrinsic motivation is the key ingredient for a lifelong commitment to sport performance.
8. As a parent focus more on skill mastery and the process of having fun and NOT on winning.
9. Communicate with your child's coaches but do not trespass the other way of becoming one. Do not instruct and let the coach do the job.
In conclusion, if you want to be a supportive, proud parent who is not overbearing or embarrassing to your child you have to know how to walk the fine line between sitting quiet on the side-line during training and not being too involved during the competitions or coaching your child how to do it because ‘you are an expert’.
When you are caught up in competition, it is easy to lose sight that sports should be a fun, rewarding, and learning experience for youth. Keep this in mind when you are providing sports opportunities for children, so they can get the most from their experience.
I know that being a parent is a full-time job, where no one is giving you an instruction book of how to do it, but I also know that is the best job in the world and that it can be truly rewarding if you are willing to learn how to do it! 😊
References:
Andrews, D. W. (1997). Competition: The good, the bad, and the ugly. Human Development Bulletin, 3, 1–3. Columbus, OH: College of Human Ecology.
Baumrind, D. (1967). Effects of authoritative control on child behaviour. Child Development, 37(4), 887–907.
Bell, C. C., and Suggs, H. (1998). Using sports to strengthen resiliency in children: Training heart. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 7, 859–865.
Cox, K. J. (1996). Sportsmanship for Parents and Supporters. Columbus, OH: Ohio State University Extension.
Ewing, M. E., Seefeldt, V. D., and Brown, T. P.(1996). Role of Organized Sport in the Education and Health of American Children and Youth. New York: Carnegie Corporation of New York.
Libman, S. (1998). Adult participation in youth sports: A developmental perspective. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 7, 725–743.
Murphy, S (1999). The Cheers and the Tears: A Healthy Alternative to the Dark Side of Youth Sports Today. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers.
Poinsett, A. (1996). The Role of Youth Sports in Youth Development. New York: Carnegie Corporation of New York.
Scheer, S. D. (1997). Children and cooperation: Moving beyond competition. Human Development Bulletin, 3, 6–7. Columbus,OH: College of Human Ecology.
Stryer, B. K., Tofler, I. R., and Lapchick, R. (1998). A developmental overview of child and youth sports in society. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 7, 697–710.