After a not-so-short absence from my articles, today I want to present you a subject that I believe every (future) parent and/or coach that want to be or are already part of the exciting word of sport should know – the relationship between coach and parent - .
Every year, thousands of coaches all over the world dedicate their time to teach other parents’ children how to play any sport. The majority of parents appreciate this good-natured act, but occasionally there are a couple of people that don’t see it this way, because the love they have for their child can blind them if they believe their child is being treated unfairly.
From my personal experience I can say it is quite challenging to deal with this type of parents (am I right?), but it is something that coaches experience it (at least) once in a while. No one goes through an entire coaching career without ruffling at least a couple of parents’ feathers. Before I dive into the solution of how to deal with difficult parents, let’s see from where and why this type of parents can occur.
I have mentioned before that it is important that kids feel motivated from within to play sports – they are self-motivated as they progress. As a parent, it’s only natural to want to help your children, but if you pressure them with expectations to excel, they will end up feeling more pressure, playing to please you and not having fun.
This type of external motivation does not create happy, confident, or successful athletes. Instead of pressuring their kids, parents need to focus on building confidence in their young athletes. To build confidence, they should focus on what really motivates their young athletes to play, whether it is to be with friends, learn new skills, be part of a team, or enjoy competing. They need to be as supportive as possible.
However, from this point on, it is only a stone’s throw to the dad who barks instructions at the entire team from the side lines or to the mom who only focuses on winning. Also, a red flag represents competitive parents, who grew up playing the same sport as their children and may find it even more tempting to tell their child what they did wrong and where they can improve. As expected, this type of parents can make things less fun for everyone, including their own child or the other parents. Whether you are a parent yourself or a coach, you can learn the best ways to deal with obnoxious sports parents and set a good example with your own behaviour.
I have an example for you:
· Instead of giving unwanted constructive criticism, it may be best to wait for your child to ask for advice. When your child asks, “how did I do today?”, they may just want some positive reinforcement --> So you may answer something like “You did well today. Is there anything that you’re worried about?”
· If your child says “No”, there’s a good chance they just wanted to hear your support. In that case, you can consider your good parenting mission accomplished.
REMEMBER: Good sports parents help coaches!
Choosing between taking your advice or their coach’s advice can become a distracting conundrum for young athletes. Being a good sports parent is all about looking in the mirror and holding yourself accountable. If you know your advice contradicts the advice of your child’s coach, take a step back and analyse the situation from outside, considering what is the best for your kid! If your child seems to enjoy hearing your advice, make sure to ask them about the advice their coach is giving them first.
In most cases, it’s likely better to encourage your child to follow the advice of their coach. Although you may think your advice is worth hearing, minimizing their stress can help maximize their fun. Ensuring your child is enjoying themselves should be your number one priority!
Lastly, if you tell your child that “coach knows best”, be sure your actions support this statement = being a positive & supportive observer. If you end up yelling advice that contradicts the coach when you’re up in the stands, it’s likely to create a bad sports environment for your child.
Tips for coaches:
When you were considering becoming a coach, you probably never thought of having to use teaching strategies to deal with a disrespectful parent. Unfortunately, at some point in your coaching career, you had or will have encountered this unpleasant situation. It is our job as the coach to resolve this difficult situation in a calm and collective manner. Here it is how you can achieve doing it:
1. Have a pre-season meeting with all parents and players:
A pre-season meeting will develop relationships with the parents and will make them understand that you are approachable - you are open to discuss any problems or concerns, they might have. I’ve learned that parents are intimidated by coaches and would prefer the coach to make the initial move to developing the coach/parent relationship à being friendly is the first step towards this. At the end of the meeting, share your contact details and ensure them to do not hesitate to contact you for any reasons.
If parents feel like they can talk to you prior to an increasing problem - then the outburst may not happen at all.
2. Never talk to someone that is yelling at you:
If a parent comes up to you frustrated and yelling, in a clam voice let them know that you would be happy to discuss whatever their concern is when they’ve calmed down. You are giving up your time to help their kids and deserve more respect than that!
Scheduling a meeting for the next day or later is my preferred option. This gives both yourself and the parent time to sit down and think about the conversation prior to meeting, rather than blurting out whatever comes to mind when they’re angry. But often the parent will insist on not leaving the venue until you have talked to them after the game.
3. Get someone else to sit in on the meeting:
I recommend getting your assistant coach or a colleague to sit with you during the meetings. This can be beneficial in many ways, such as: Clarifying facts that may arise during the meeting; A witness in case anything happens and To recall comments made in the meeting at a later time if needed.
4. Hear them out:
Without interrupting! The parent needs to feel like they are being heard. If you are constantly interrupting, the only thing you are going to achieve is making the parent much angrier than they already are. Always remember that the person you are referring to is someone’s child. Put yourself in the parent’s position and think about if you were in that situation, how would you like the teacher to respond to you?
5. Body language:
You must show the parent that you are paying attention to what they have to say by using good body language. Do not sit back in your chair with your arms crossed. This shows a type of arrogance and stubbornness and will only infuriate the parent further. Sit forward and look them in the eyes. Nod when they are speaking to show that you understand.
6. Keep your composure. Even if they do not:
If you find the way they are speaking to you is unacceptable, politely ask them not to talk to you that way, and if they continue to do so, you will have to end the conversation. I the discussion continues to grow in the same direction, end the conversation and make sure you keep calm and talk rationally. You do not want to get into a shouting match and say something you will regret in the future.
7. The correct way to respond:
Once you have let them have their say, it is your turn to respond. Even if you do not fully agree with their argument, let the parent know that you understand they point of view and refer to the points in their argument that you agree with.
REMEMBER: Don’t be afraid to walk away!
If you encounter an overly confrontational parent and you feel that you are being put into an uncomfortable situation, then it is OK to walk away. Get yourself out of any situation where you feel threatened or uncomfortable and Stop all communication. Only do this if it is absolutely necessary and you feel you have exhausted all other options. Instead of dwelling on how a parent may perceive you or what you could have done differently, acknowledge that you have done the best that you could and offer the parent a chance at a partnership so that their child can have a wonderful sport experience.
Have you ever had to deal with a difficult or disrespectful parent before? If so, how did you handle it?
